Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
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I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
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Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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