I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
