Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
