i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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