My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
