the condom got lost in my hair
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
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