Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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