Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
