i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
