My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
