There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
