when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
