Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
