I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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