Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
