She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
