so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
