It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I think a kid would responsible me up
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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