it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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