We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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