I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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