I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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