i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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