maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
