After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
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And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
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You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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