Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
