you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Oh god it's open bar.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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