On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Never joke about your clitoris.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
