I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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