That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
