i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
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I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
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I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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