meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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