why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
