i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
