Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
