This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
