When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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