i may or may not be watching the land before time
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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