there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
