My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
