This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
