Im at strip club and am horny
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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