Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
