My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
