the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
