Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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