Got a toothbrush?
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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