i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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