Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
