Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
