i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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