He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
