I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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