I heard we made out
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
